"I know we are in the right place," I say as I turn to my husband, "Because I feel like shit."
We are often taught to go with what feels good. Go with the flow. If you're not "feelin'" it then move on. Through this we forget that sometimes things are messy before they are great. We miss out because it's not all rainbows and butterflies right off the bat. We forget that sometimes theres a battle involved. Just like working out, it sucks but it is rewarding.
Whenever I make gigantic spiritual strides, or even little tiptoes in the right direction, I'm stormed. Like when you work out extensively and the next day you're endlessly sore, barely able to walk. Only a good workout can cripple you in such a manner. I'm not bombed by my surroundings. Not by my peers or family. No. By the enemy. For those who don't believe specifically in God and the Devil, you may recognize that there is still positive and negative energy in this world we live in. When you move forward in positivity, the negativity naturally tries to bring you down, same idea. Be aware that just because it doesn't feel good right away, doesn't mean continuing it, won't feel good in the end.
Now the way the enemy personally attacks me, in attempt to halt my pursuit, is anxiety and depression. The glory of God is being reviled, and the enemy hates that! He makes me feel isolated, forsaken and omitted. This is my soreness after a spiritual workout. Remember when you're sore you know you did something for the better. This is not God causing the soreness! That is not our Lord and Savior, no! God is telling me that the battle is already won and I can cast the enemy out, yet casting the enemy out calls for more working out. Our strength will build with each work out! The enemy feels threatened by me. Threatened that I will fulfill my destiny and be an omnipotent warrior of God. A powerhouse of a mother! A luminous wife! I will be mighty in my spirit, heart and soul!
The enemy is hoping I fall for the lie and "go with what feels good." I don't want to be a limp noodle of a spirit, I want to have the strength of a lion, a bear, a rhino! Anyone who consistently works out knows that eventually the soreness fades, your strength overrides it. Spirituality is no different.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Friday, February 21, 2014
Valid
As a young mother and wife, I impose on myself that I need to prove I am valid. My marriage is valid, my mothering is valid, and my Christianity is valid. I imagine what might be swirling in the heads of people passing by,
"She's so young...is she even married.... oh that must have been a shotgun wedding....that won't last....ect. ect."
Sometimes I wish I was wearing a sign around my neck saying "NOT A SHOTGUN MARRIAGE" or maybe something ridiculous like "WE GOT PREGNANT YES AND DECIDED TO GET MARRIED YES BUT THEN WE LOST THE BABY AND STILL GOT MARRIED ANYWAYS AND FOUND OUT WE WERE PREGNANT AGAIN AFTER THE WEDDING EVEN THOUGH TECHNICALLY WE CONCEIVED BEFORE WE WERE MARRIED BUT REALLY WE GOT MARRIED BECAUSE WE LOVE EACH OTHER NOT JUST BECAUSE WE WERE PREGNANT AND WERE DOING THE RIGHT THING" Because you know that would fix all our problems right? All of my insecurities would be cured if everyone just knew the story right? Yet honestly that would probably cause more troubles than help.
The point is, regardless of the order, I am still forever going to have "mother" and "wife" in my definition. That is how God intended it to be, that is His plan for me. If I am following and pursing what God has given me, then what everyone else is thinking is irrelevant. The only one's thoughts I should be concerned about are God's, my husband's and my son's/future kids.
I require the reminding of both God and the confession of my heart, that I am valid. I am a valid mother, because I am showing up, and I am loving my baby with every part of me. I am a valid wife, because I am there for and loving my husband in every way possible. I am a valid Christian, because I am pursuing God and I am letting God fill and overwhelm my being with His love and grace. God chose me to mother Isaac and to forever love Nathan, that is all that matters. No signs required. No proof needed. Most of all, no worries of what others may or may not think.
"She's so young...is she even married.... oh that must have been a shotgun wedding....that won't last....ect. ect."
Sometimes I wish I was wearing a sign around my neck saying "NOT A SHOTGUN MARRIAGE" or maybe something ridiculous like "WE GOT PREGNANT YES AND DECIDED TO GET MARRIED YES BUT THEN WE LOST THE BABY AND STILL GOT MARRIED ANYWAYS AND FOUND OUT WE WERE PREGNANT AGAIN AFTER THE WEDDING EVEN THOUGH TECHNICALLY WE CONCEIVED BEFORE WE WERE MARRIED BUT REALLY WE GOT MARRIED BECAUSE WE LOVE EACH OTHER NOT JUST BECAUSE WE WERE PREGNANT AND WERE DOING THE RIGHT THING" Because you know that would fix all our problems right? All of my insecurities would be cured if everyone just knew the story right? Yet honestly that would probably cause more troubles than help.
The point is, regardless of the order, I am still forever going to have "mother" and "wife" in my definition. That is how God intended it to be, that is His plan for me. If I am following and pursing what God has given me, then what everyone else is thinking is irrelevant. The only one's thoughts I should be concerned about are God's, my husband's and my son's/future kids.
I require the reminding of both God and the confession of my heart, that I am valid. I am a valid mother, because I am showing up, and I am loving my baby with every part of me. I am a valid wife, because I am there for and loving my husband in every way possible. I am a valid Christian, because I am pursuing God and I am letting God fill and overwhelm my being with His love and grace. God chose me to mother Isaac and to forever love Nathan, that is all that matters. No signs required. No proof needed. Most of all, no worries of what others may or may not think.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Brains and the Beast
I have to say out of all the classic Disney Princess movies, Beauty and the Beast is my favorite by far. This features an intelligent girl who is not afraid to show it. It's so pressured in the commercial society to be beautiful and women being smart is almost a taboo thing. The illusion that women can't be smart and beautiful drowns the media. Girls at a young age are taught that the best quality is beauty but why don't we teach that the best quality is intelligence and thinking out of the box? We are so focused on over sexualizing everything that we forget the real beauty of knowledge. We know the saying "sex sells" but have you ever heard "you can tell the intelligence of someone by what they laugh at."? If media focused on catering towards the intelligence of people what kind of message would that send out to our younger generations?
Another thing I like about Beauty and the Beast is that she's not the one needing to be saved, the beast is. As enticing as the damsel in distress story is, it's a nice twist to see the woman being the hero of the story in such an undertone way. You don't have to be a warrior or save the world to be the hero of a story. Sometimes saving the heart of someone and teaching them what love means, one way or another, is all it takes to be a hero. I feel that this teaches that girls are not the only ones who need saving. We are not all damsels in distress.
As a mother of a boy I can only hope to raise my boy to appreciate a woman's mind as I hope a woman will appreciate his. Just as we don't want our little girls to be looked at like a piece of ass, I don't want my boy to be looked at as a piece of meat. There is so much more to a person besides flesh and bones. You can't see a person's soul, heart or mind in their appearance.
Now I'm still working on seeing that too. My husband and I already pray for Isaac's wife. We don't know her. We don't even know if she is alive. But we know that God has one for him, therefore God knows who she is. I found myself praying one night that she was beautiful, and I had to catch myself. As long as my boy is attracted to her inner person, then he will be attracted to her outer person as well. So my new prayer is that she grows to be intelligent so she challenges Isaac to be better as a person. I pray that she is founded in God so they have a godly relationship that will blossom and touch other people's lives. I pray that she is passionate about God so that if Isaac strays, he just needs to look at his wife's example to know where to go. I pray that she loves to read, so even when reading goes out of trend because of all of the latest technology she is based in classic knowledge and wisdom. I pray that she will "save/rescue" Isaac just as much as he will "save/rescue" her.
Another thing I like about Beauty and the Beast is that she's not the one needing to be saved, the beast is. As enticing as the damsel in distress story is, it's a nice twist to see the woman being the hero of the story in such an undertone way. You don't have to be a warrior or save the world to be the hero of a story. Sometimes saving the heart of someone and teaching them what love means, one way or another, is all it takes to be a hero. I feel that this teaches that girls are not the only ones who need saving. We are not all damsels in distress.
As a mother of a boy I can only hope to raise my boy to appreciate a woman's mind as I hope a woman will appreciate his. Just as we don't want our little girls to be looked at like a piece of ass, I don't want my boy to be looked at as a piece of meat. There is so much more to a person besides flesh and bones. You can't see a person's soul, heart or mind in their appearance.
Now I'm still working on seeing that too. My husband and I already pray for Isaac's wife. We don't know her. We don't even know if she is alive. But we know that God has one for him, therefore God knows who she is. I found myself praying one night that she was beautiful, and I had to catch myself. As long as my boy is attracted to her inner person, then he will be attracted to her outer person as well. So my new prayer is that she grows to be intelligent so she challenges Isaac to be better as a person. I pray that she is founded in God so they have a godly relationship that will blossom and touch other people's lives. I pray that she is passionate about God so that if Isaac strays, he just needs to look at his wife's example to know where to go. I pray that she loves to read, so even when reading goes out of trend because of all of the latest technology she is based in classic knowledge and wisdom. I pray that she will "save/rescue" Isaac just as much as he will "save/rescue" her.
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