I Work Out

"I know we are in the right place," I say as I turn to my husband, "Because I feel like shit."

We are often taught to go with what feels good. Go with the flow. If you're not "feelin'" it then move on. Through this we forget that sometimes things are messy before they are great. We miss out because it's not all rainbows and butterflies right off the bat. We forget that sometimes theres a battle involved. Just like working out, it sucks but it is rewarding.

Whenever I make gigantic spiritual strides, or even little tiptoes in the right direction, I'm stormed.  Like when you work out extensively and the next day you're endlessly sore, barely able to walk. Only a good workout can cripple you in such a manner. I'm not bombed by my surroundings. Not by my peers or family. No. By the enemy. For those who don't believe specifically in God and the Devil, you may recognize that there is still positive and negative energy in this world we live in. When you move forward in positivity, the negativity naturally tries to bring you down, same idea. Be aware that just because it doesn't feel good right away, doesn't mean continuing it, won't feel good in the end.

Now the way the enemy personally attacks me, in attempt to halt my pursuit, is anxiety and depression. The glory of God is being reviled, and the enemy hates that! He makes me feel isolated, forsaken and omitted. This is my soreness after a spiritual workout. Remember when you're sore you know you did something for the better. This is not God causing the soreness! That is not our Lord and Savior, no! God is telling me that the battle is already won and I can cast the enemy out, yet casting the enemy out calls for more working out. Our strength will build with each work out! The enemy feels threatened by me. Threatened that I will fulfill my destiny and be an omnipotent warrior of God. A powerhouse of a mother! A luminous wife! I will be mighty in my spirit, heart and soul!

The enemy is hoping I fall for the lie and "go with what feels good." I don't want to be a limp noodle of a spirit, I want to have the strength of a lion, a bear, a rhino! Anyone who consistently works out knows that eventually the soreness fades, your strength overrides it.  Spirituality is no different.

Valid

As a young mother and wife, I impose on myself that I need to prove I am valid. My marriage is valid, my mothering is valid, and my Christianity is valid. I imagine what might be swirling in the heads of people passing by,

"She's so young...is she even married.... oh that must have been a shotgun wedding....that won't last....ect. ect."

Sometimes I wish I was wearing a sign around my neck saying "NOT A SHOTGUN MARRIAGE" or maybe something ridiculous like "WE GOT PREGNANT YES AND DECIDED TO GET MARRIED YES BUT THEN WE LOST THE BABY AND STILL GOT MARRIED ANYWAYS AND FOUND OUT WE WERE PREGNANT AGAIN AFTER THE WEDDING EVEN THOUGH TECHNICALLY WE CONCEIVED BEFORE WE WERE MARRIED BUT REALLY WE GOT MARRIED BECAUSE WE LOVE EACH OTHER NOT JUST BECAUSE WE WERE PREGNANT AND WERE DOING THE RIGHT THING" Because you know that would fix all our problems right? All of my insecurities would be cured if everyone just knew the story right? Yet honestly that would probably cause more troubles than help.

The point is, regardless of the order, I am still forever going to have "mother" and "wife" in my definition. That is how God intended it to be, that is His plan for me. If I am following and pursing what God has given me, then what everyone else is thinking is irrelevant.  The only one's thoughts I should be concerned about are God's, my husband's and my son's/future kids.

I require the reminding of both God and the confession of my heart, that I am valid. I am a valid mother, because I am showing up, and I am loving my baby with every part of me. I am a valid wife, because I am there for and loving my husband in every way possible. I am a valid Christian, because I am pursuing God and I am letting God fill and overwhelm my being with His love and grace. God chose me to mother Isaac and to forever love Nathan, that is all that matters. No signs required. No proof needed. Most of all, no worries of what others may or may not think.

Brains and the Beast

I have to say out of all the classic Disney Princess movies, Beauty and the Beast is my favorite by far.  This features an intelligent girl who is not afraid to show it. It's so pressured in the commercial society to be beautiful and women being smart is almost a taboo thing. The illusion that women can't be smart and beautiful drowns the media. Girls at a young age are taught that the best quality is beauty but why don't we teach that the best quality is intelligence and thinking out of the box? We are so focused on over sexualizing everything that we forget the real beauty of knowledge. We know the saying "sex sells" but have you ever heard "you can tell the intelligence of someone by what they laugh at."? If media focused on catering towards the intelligence of people what kind of message would that send out to our younger generations?

Another thing I like about Beauty and the Beast is that she's not the one needing to be saved, the beast is. As enticing as the damsel in distress story is, it's a nice twist to see the woman being the hero of the story in such an undertone way. You don't have to be a warrior or save the world to be the hero of a story. Sometimes saving the heart of someone and teaching them what love means, one way or another, is all it takes to be a hero. I feel that this teaches that girls are not the only ones who need saving. We are not all damsels in distress.

As a mother of a boy I can only hope to raise my boy to appreciate a woman's mind as I hope a woman will appreciate his. Just as we don't want our little girls to be looked at like a piece of ass, I don't want my boy to be looked at as a piece of meat. There is so much more to a person besides flesh and bones. You can't see a person's soul, heart or mind in their appearance.

Now I'm still working on seeing that too. My husband and I already pray for Isaac's wife. We don't know her. We don't even know if she is alive. But we know that God has one for him, therefore God knows who she is. I found myself praying one night that she was beautiful, and I had to catch myself. As long as my boy is attracted to her inner person, then he will be attracted to her outer person as well. So my new prayer is that she grows to be intelligent so she challenges Isaac to be better as a person. I pray that she is founded in God so they have a godly relationship that will blossom and touch other people's lives. I pray that she is passionate about God so that if Isaac strays, he just needs to look at his wife's example to know where to go. I pray that she loves to read, so even when reading goes out of trend because of all of the latest technology she is based in classic knowledge and wisdom. I pray that she will "save/rescue" Isaac just as much as he will "save/rescue" her.

I Am Mom, Hear Me Roar

Thrown up all over. Two butt explosions. One clear shot of pee to the wall. All before noon.  Yet I look down at him lying next to me at this very moment and see him gazing at me with eyes of love. A grin stretching corner to corner. Foot in one hand the other in his mouth. Really no matter how many times he might make me want to pull my hair out I melt with happiness. He honestly makes me brain numbingly happy.

What really blows my mind is that I will forever be a mom now. It's permanently a part of my definition. Being a mom changes everything, from how I look at children to how I look at movies or TV or anything. Being a mom is core-shakingly, earth rockingly different from anything else.

Before I gave birth to Isaac I worried I would shy away from the authority of being his mother. That I would be timid to tell people what I am and am not comfortable with when it came to handling my babe. But as soon as he fell into my arms, he was mine to protect and love. When someone steps out of line I'm impulsive to blurt out my disapproval.

"Please don't touch his face"
"Support his head when you lift him"
"Please don't bounce him while you hold him"
"Do not stick your fingers in his mouth!"

I feel like an animal, I quite literally feel the urge to bare my teeth and growl when a stranger touches my baby's face. I want to purr when my boy snuggles into my neck or whenever he settles in to nurse. It really brings a new meaning to "I am woman, hear me roar".

I am forever changed. That sweet smile and heart thrilling squeal, will forever light my head on fire with delight, and will forever make me want to literally light someone's head on fire if they were to hurt him. :)

The Real Feminist

The real feminist does what she wants regardless of what the world thinks.
The real feminist isn't swayed by other's opinions regarding what she should or shouldn't do.

I am a stay at home mom, a house wife and proud. Is it a bit traditional? Yes. Does that mean that I am beaten down into "dank submission", where I have no voice or say in my life? No! I am powerful in what I do. I am spending my life loving on my baby and my husband. I am a woman who is the glue to my family. I am the world to my little boy, and I have the opportunity to make my husband feel loved, appreciated and noticed every day. Who doesn't want to feel loved, appreciated and noticed? It's not a one way street though. My boy is my world and my husband loves me just as much as I love him. That sets me on fire! I live to bring to joy into my family. And guess what? That is not what every woman or man lives for. Shocker. What a concept, everyone is different.

The real feminist supports women who are doing what they want to do.
The real feminist doesn't say what a woman should and should not do.

If you're the type of woman that is a power in the work force, that is fantastic. If it sets you on fire to be a doctor, mechanic, lawyer, general laborer, whatever it is, then do it! Do it because you love it, not to make a point. Because if you base your life on what everyone expects (even defying what people expect) then you are not living for you. Living for someone else will only leave you in an empty shell of what you wish you could be.

The real feminist doesn't condemn those who do differently than she does.
The real feminist takes life by the balls and does what she wants.

Am I sounding redundant? Repetitive? Excessive? Good, I want everyone to understand. Being a feminist doesn't mean doing everything in your power to be the opposite of what people see a traditional woman doing. Being a feminist means living your life according to your desires, not according to what everyone else expects. "Your life is your life", live it how you want to live it. Your version of happy living will look different than my version of happy living.

This poem feel extraordinarily relevant.

The Laughing Heart

your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.

@Charles Bukowski

The Simple Things

I can't tell you how many times I wish money wasn't an object. Not because I need to live in a mansion or need to drive a new sports car every day, but rather because I wish that I had the freedom of not worrying about money.  In my alternate universe, I would travel around the world with my family every weekend, fly out to Italy for coffee in the morning, go to Thailand for lunch and Paris for a glass of wine, enjoy some music and art in the evening. On the days that I would stay home, I would be living in a humble victorian styled townhouse. The hallways would have ceiling to floor book shelves that I could continuously choose a different book from. There would be an art studio in the back yard that had just what I needed for that day. No I wouldn't have a nanny or cook or butler, I wouldn't say no to a biweekly visit from a maid however. I wouldn't change how I spend time with my baby or husband, I wouldn't change my habits or daily doings based on the money I have or don't have. 

But because we don't live in an alternate universe, and we live in this world where it is very dependent on money and work, I will enjoy the little things that make me smile and make me happy. Simple things such as getting my nails done, or making my baby coo, or when my husband runs his fingers through my hair and down my neck. My happiness is dependent on my surroundings but the spirit of joy is not. I have the joy of God in my life, so even when I enjoy the simple things, I don't have to depend on them for joy. Happiness is conditional, joy is a state of your spirit. And I am joyous. The Lord has designed my joy and fills my life with joy. So even though I desire the things money can buy, I know that it's the thing that no money can buy that ignites my soul with delight. 

For the Sake of Sanity

Note to all new moms. Do not, and I honestly mean DO NOT go see Enders Game. You will cry. Not because it's touching, moving, or encouraging. No because no matter what person may glorify it, as a mother this is what you will see:
A Mom has three children to put through school to become a soldier.
Two of those kids were told they weren't good enough so now suffer from the psychological trauma of forever feeling unworthy and looked down upon by society and their own father.
One is bullied horribly and when he finally fights back he gets promoted and transferred to space where the family very well may never see him again.
Family doesn't get to contact him at all or see him.
When he finally comes back from space he only wants to see his sister and no one else.
Then he goes off to space and is known as a hero because he managed to kill an entire species because he thought he was playing a game.
Because of the empathy he has the mom and family will now never see him again.

What is the point of having another child if you know he will go through a treacherous program, be bullied excessively because it's encouraged, and then disappear for all of eternity without ever talking to you again! I sobbed through the whole thing, I wanted to leave but was with a friend who not only wanted to see it to the end but also paid for me to be there.

Now for those who enjoyed it, awesome, thats fine, nothing against you. But as a first time new mother I cannot, and will not have anything to do with violent movies, or any movie that has to do with a child being hurt, or killed, for the sake of my own sanity.

For now on I'm sticking to movies like, Cinderella, or Parent Trap, or Frozen, or any children's movie that isn't traumatizing. Avoid Hercules or the Hunchback of Notre Dam however those are pretty horrific.