I Am Mom, Hear Me Roar

Thrown up all over. Two butt explosions. One clear shot of pee to the wall. All before noon.  Yet I look down at him lying next to me at this very moment and see him gazing at me with eyes of love. A grin stretching corner to corner. Foot in one hand the other in his mouth. Really no matter how many times he might make me want to pull my hair out I melt with happiness. He honestly makes me brain numbingly happy.

What really blows my mind is that I will forever be a mom now. It's permanently a part of my definition. Being a mom changes everything, from how I look at children to how I look at movies or TV or anything. Being a mom is core-shakingly, earth rockingly different from anything else.

Before I gave birth to Isaac I worried I would shy away from the authority of being his mother. That I would be timid to tell people what I am and am not comfortable with when it came to handling my babe. But as soon as he fell into my arms, he was mine to protect and love. When someone steps out of line I'm impulsive to blurt out my disapproval.

"Please don't touch his face"
"Support his head when you lift him"
"Please don't bounce him while you hold him"
"Do not stick your fingers in his mouth!"

I feel like an animal, I quite literally feel the urge to bare my teeth and growl when a stranger touches my baby's face. I want to purr when my boy snuggles into my neck or whenever he settles in to nurse. It really brings a new meaning to "I am woman, hear me roar".

I am forever changed. That sweet smile and heart thrilling squeal, will forever light my head on fire with delight, and will forever make me want to literally light someone's head on fire if they were to hurt him. :)

The Real Feminist

The real feminist does what she wants regardless of what the world thinks.
The real feminist isn't swayed by other's opinions regarding what she should or shouldn't do.

I am a stay at home mom, a house wife and proud. Is it a bit traditional? Yes. Does that mean that I am beaten down into "dank submission", where I have no voice or say in my life? No! I am powerful in what I do. I am spending my life loving on my baby and my husband. I am a woman who is the glue to my family. I am the world to my little boy, and I have the opportunity to make my husband feel loved, appreciated and noticed every day. Who doesn't want to feel loved, appreciated and noticed? It's not a one way street though. My boy is my world and my husband loves me just as much as I love him. That sets me on fire! I live to bring to joy into my family. And guess what? That is not what every woman or man lives for. Shocker. What a concept, everyone is different.

The real feminist supports women who are doing what they want to do.
The real feminist doesn't say what a woman should and should not do.

If you're the type of woman that is a power in the work force, that is fantastic. If it sets you on fire to be a doctor, mechanic, lawyer, general laborer, whatever it is, then do it! Do it because you love it, not to make a point. Because if you base your life on what everyone expects (even defying what people expect) then you are not living for you. Living for someone else will only leave you in an empty shell of what you wish you could be.

The real feminist doesn't condemn those who do differently than she does.
The real feminist takes life by the balls and does what she wants.

Am I sounding redundant? Repetitive? Excessive? Good, I want everyone to understand. Being a feminist doesn't mean doing everything in your power to be the opposite of what people see a traditional woman doing. Being a feminist means living your life according to your desires, not according to what everyone else expects. "Your life is your life", live it how you want to live it. Your version of happy living will look different than my version of happy living.

This poem feel extraordinarily relevant.

The Laughing Heart

your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.

@Charles Bukowski

The Simple Things

I can't tell you how many times I wish money wasn't an object. Not because I need to live in a mansion or need to drive a new sports car every day, but rather because I wish that I had the freedom of not worrying about money.  In my alternate universe, I would travel around the world with my family every weekend, fly out to Italy for coffee in the morning, go to Thailand for lunch and Paris for a glass of wine, enjoy some music and art in the evening. On the days that I would stay home, I would be living in a humble victorian styled townhouse. The hallways would have ceiling to floor book shelves that I could continuously choose a different book from. There would be an art studio in the back yard that had just what I needed for that day. No I wouldn't have a nanny or cook or butler, I wouldn't say no to a biweekly visit from a maid however. I wouldn't change how I spend time with my baby or husband, I wouldn't change my habits or daily doings based on the money I have or don't have. 

But because we don't live in an alternate universe, and we live in this world where it is very dependent on money and work, I will enjoy the little things that make me smile and make me happy. Simple things such as getting my nails done, or making my baby coo, or when my husband runs his fingers through my hair and down my neck. My happiness is dependent on my surroundings but the spirit of joy is not. I have the joy of God in my life, so even when I enjoy the simple things, I don't have to depend on them for joy. Happiness is conditional, joy is a state of your spirit. And I am joyous. The Lord has designed my joy and fills my life with joy. So even though I desire the things money can buy, I know that it's the thing that no money can buy that ignites my soul with delight. 

For the Sake of Sanity

Note to all new moms. Do not, and I honestly mean DO NOT go see Enders Game. You will cry. Not because it's touching, moving, or encouraging. No because no matter what person may glorify it, as a mother this is what you will see:
A Mom has three children to put through school to become a soldier.
Two of those kids were told they weren't good enough so now suffer from the psychological trauma of forever feeling unworthy and looked down upon by society and their own father.
One is bullied horribly and when he finally fights back he gets promoted and transferred to space where the family very well may never see him again.
Family doesn't get to contact him at all or see him.
When he finally comes back from space he only wants to see his sister and no one else.
Then he goes off to space and is known as a hero because he managed to kill an entire species because he thought he was playing a game.
Because of the empathy he has the mom and family will now never see him again.

What is the point of having another child if you know he will go through a treacherous program, be bullied excessively because it's encouraged, and then disappear for all of eternity without ever talking to you again! I sobbed through the whole thing, I wanted to leave but was with a friend who not only wanted to see it to the end but also paid for me to be there.

Now for those who enjoyed it, awesome, thats fine, nothing against you. But as a first time new mother I cannot, and will not have anything to do with violent movies, or any movie that has to do with a child being hurt, or killed, for the sake of my own sanity.

For now on I'm sticking to movies like, Cinderella, or Parent Trap, or Frozen, or any children's movie that isn't traumatizing. Avoid Hercules or the Hunchback of Notre Dam however those are pretty horrific.

Hard Questions

Hard questions. No one wants to ask them, and most people don't want to answer them. Not realizing we are missing out on so much. Last night we had a Bible study with a guest who is constantly in the thick of hard questions. Working on the streets, feeding and witnessing to homeless people day in and day out, he receives questions along the line of "Well if we are good people and don't believe in Christ can we still get into Heaven?" or "Well God is love so can't we just worship love?" ect ect. He brought these questions up at our Bible study, little did he know, he was in for a happy surprise. As apposed to some  previous experiences of his, we embraced him and his questions.

I have to tell you it was an amazing thing to see. All of us band together to find the exact scripture that answered his questions to a tea. When you're so used to hearing opinion after opinion, opinions lose meaning. Everyone has their own idea of what is right. The power lies in being able to point out, in the physical Bible, exactly where it is and saying "This is where it is said". It's no longer your words, it's God's. Last night was such an amazing experience. Seeing us all pick up the armor of God and dissecting the Word of God, equipping him for battle. So empowering! My message to everyone is to not be afraid to ask hard questions in a group. You will not only get an answer, but you get multiple answers, because everyone remembers something different that is relevant.

Pin Up

I have recently found myself inspired by the 1950's pin up style. Now being a stay at home mom, I like the idea of being a vampy, sexy, self empowered stay at home mom. Pin up is the essence of empowered stay at home wives, I feel. Doing what we do around the house and occasionally taking the jobs that are traditionally men's. I feel that now a days it's easy to be looked down upon to be a stay at home mom. The idea of "oh you're just a stay at home mom". Back then it was expected and glorified, almost.

I'm the modern day pin up girl. My husband goes out and works as a general laborer. I stay at home, cook, clean, take care of the baby and get cute for my husband when he gets home. Only I have hot pink hair and wear fishnets on a daily basis....
I retreat to this style because it feels self empowering. It's not that big a deal in the wide spectrum, I realize, but it makes me feel like I'm having fun with it, instead of just playing the part and going through the motions. After all didn't we play dress up as little girls and play house? Why is it so taboo to not have another career on top of the career of motherhood?

I'm still learning about pin up style and such so I'm no expert. I do, however, feel connected to those girls. Making their career forefront and center and looking vampy while doing it.

Christmas Tea Dress Up

Tacky Sweater Party

Victory Rolls

Barrol Roll

Because I Can

I'm a runner. I make ambitious goals, as soon as the heat settles, I run.

Hey, lets work out everyday this year. Day 7 rolls by; I ditch the idea. "I can't make time for that"

I'm going to write every day. I kick myself as soon as I hit writers block. "No one wants to read it anyway"

I set out to have a home birth, after hours of hard labor I tried to run. After months of telling the people around me that I could do this I'm trying to convince them I can't.

I am a runner. Depression starts to sink in, instead of seeking help, I run.

My relationship with God starts to deepen, I run. I'm a runner.

I need to change the confession of my mouth! Constantly convincing myself I am one way, even if I'm not, I will become that way. I'm radiant with my words.

In the heat of labor I ran: "It's too hard, it hurts too much and I can't can't can't do it." Literally trying to run away from my labor pains, wobbling from one side of the house to the other. Thinking and saying I couldn't possibly endure. I reversed my labor with the attitude of "I can't". From 8 inches dilated to 4 inches dilated, I made it harder on myself.

Life is the same in every aspect, when you sit there telling yourself you can't and you won't, you are literally pushing yourself back. You are reversing your progress.

I changed the confession of my mouth to make it through labor, chanting "good" and "I can". As the contractions overwhelmed my body, I gave into the pain, letting my body do what it's made to do. With each contraction I would moan "can can can can can..."

I gave birth in the way I set out to. I greeted my baby boy with such an endorphin rush, the pain drowned out. I entered into motherhood feeling as though I took it by the balls and said "I own this because I can!"

I need to apply that to every part of my life. I need to stop running when it gets hard, and instead chant "I can". I can work out every day. I can write every day. I can give birth at home. I can be a great mom. I can smile everyday. I can be a good wife. I can do whatever I set out to do! Can Can Can Can! There is no end!

No more running. No more reversing my progress. I am capable.

Wow

One of the things I love is when I am sitting on the couch with my little Isaac, noticing out of the corner of my eye, my son admiring me. You know the look; slight grin, eyes lit up with that curve of a smile, just waiting for you to look down.

"Look at me, look at me mom, look at me." they urge you with their whole being. 

The best part? Looking down at him, his grin spreading so wide, I'm slightly worried his face will split in half. He buries his face into whatever part of me is most available, as though he's shy, and peeks back up at me to make sure I'm watching. 

Look at him. He just wants to be seen, noticed, loved. He is changing and growing by the second. I swear sometimes I can see his hair growing right before my eyes. His cheeks are meant to be lightly pinched. His neck and ears and head and belly, meant to be kissed and raspberried. Knowing when I do, he gets the same shrill of excitement as me. 

Whats even more wild, is that I love my son so so so so so so so so so........(to infinity and beyond), much! My heart swells, engorged with love, wondering how anything else could possibly have room in my body. Yet, our God loves him more than I ever can. 

WHAT?!? How is that possible?! I can't even fathom loving him more! Yet God tops us all. Every person in my son's life, who loves him, combined doesn't even touch how much God loves him. And me. And you. And everyone. 

Wow.... 

Bigger Than My Body

It's a life style.

Accept your body where it is, in that moment, that day. 

It's not about where you were yesterday and it's not about where you'll be tomorrow. 

Live in the moment; knowing that the only thing guaranteed is now. 

It's not a P90X work out. It's so much more than that. Its more than pounding out 90 days or 60 days or however many days in a short period of time to smash into an overly buff body. Why am I torturing myself, with these exceedingly overwhelming, impossible, workouts that I don't even enjoy! What a waste of time. Some people may enjoy that hard, pounding workout with a TV screen yelling at you. That might pump you up! Sweet! Do that! 

But don't make yoga into that. Don't turn yoga into a competition. Because when you do, you're missing the point. You're missing the beauty; yoga is acceptance. Yoga is presence. Yoga is growth, in mind, body and spirit. And that's what I need. The body will come in time. The body will grow with my practice. Most of all, much much more will grow than just my body.

We as people deserve more than just a good body, just as we deserve recognition for more than just a good body. Body body body body, thats not our life! Because our bodies change, denigrate, evolve, transform...ect. ect. Our bodies are unreliable to be consistent.

The reason I find myself enjoying yoga is because yoga is accepting of that. Yoga moves and changes and evolves parallel to you. My yoga practice isn't dependent on being a certain way, granting freedom and a stress free experience. How the person next to me does their down dog has no effect on my down dog. My practice is uniquely mine. And I love it.

I'm learning to accept my body as it is. If I can't love my body the way it is now then how can I expect to love my body in the future. Like I said I'm learning, I'm no expert. My body is just a bonus. It's not all of me. I'm bigger than my body, I am a spirit, I have a soul, I don't just want a work out for my body, I want a work out for all of me.  

Breathe

Breathing.....how vital it is to most everything. Today I worked on breathing. Isaac seemed only to wail today. 

Put my engorged breast to him; wail, wail, wail. Inhale, exhale and hum. 

Burp him; wail, wail, wail. Inhale, exhale and hum. 

Hold him, bathe him, leave him in the crib; wail, wail, wail. Breathe in and out, in and out. Let the oxygen saturate my body. 

I can feel my heart swell with each breath he took to let out another cry, my vision blurred every time he screamed. 

"Just close your eyes and breathe Meghann, just breathe." 

I fear I am cheating, skipping out on the hardest parts. I pray my endurance climbs with each escalade of Isaac's cries, reminding myself I am of no use to him if I'm as worked up as he is.

Blessed am I! Living with my in-laws who help whenever I need. Sure at times I desperately wish I could have my own space with my husband and baby, (which will come soon). Yet I appreciate my situation as it is. I have someone so readily available, always so willing to hold him, so I can just....inhale........exhale. 

Heritage of the Servants

I dream of not needing to sleep. Could you imagine all the things we could get done? All the places we could go, all the art we could create? Lately my anxiety has plagued my dreams, waking up feeling just as tired as when I went to sleep in the first place. Nightmares cloud my mind, exposing my fears of losing Isaac and Nathan. I know with my heart and soul that my boys are here with me for life. Yet my mind plays tricks on me in the dark of the night, taunting me. 

I wonder if it's just the devil playing games with my head so I might be discouraged to keep so active in my spiritual life. Its ironic really; the more threatened I feel the closer I cling to my Heavenly Father. Like a little girl that climbs into her parents room because of the boogie man under her bed. I climb into the King of King's lap and expose my heart to Him as He graciously wipes the tear streaks from my face and tells me, 

"No instrument of war which is formed against you will be of any use; and every tongue which says evil against you will be judged false. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness comes from me." 

No matter what lie crawls into my mind it will not dwell there.  No matter what attack that comes my way I will come out on top. I'm a child of the Lord of All Creation. Why do I fret? So, I guess for those of you reading, if you would join me in prayer it'd be so appreciated. I need to feel in my heart and soul the security that God provides. Thank you in advanced.  

Lazy

When your child sleeps for hours on end, it's difficult not to join him. Now mind you, mothers whose babies are up every few hours, through the night, by all means sleep with your child! Don't succumb to life as a zombie, with food strapped to your chest.

However, my boy snoozes a good 7-8 hours every night. Sleeping all day is a wee bit excessive. As the new year dawns, I decide to dig deeper into my passions. Why do I undermine them? Because I'm lazy. A million and a half excuses flood my mind as to why, yet honestly, I'm just lazy. Passive. Lethargic. Apathetic. Call it what you will. If I can't designate 10 minutes to sit down, do something up lifting. Do something enjoyable. What am I doing?

Design a routine, Meghann! Add bit by bit as the days roll by. Don't overload your plate, crossing your fingers.

I resolved to make a journal entry a day, the basic goal of, "If I were to go back and read the journal, what would I want to know happened?" Even if it's just a sentence or word.

I journaled the 1st and 2nd.

Deciding to add to this "routine", the 3rd I journaled and opened to a page in the Bible randomly, flipped to the beginning of that book, and read the first chapter for the 3rd and 4th.

5th-6th, journaled, read, and wrote 5 things I'm thankful for in the back of the Bible. You would be surprised what starting your day with a thankful attitude will do.

7th-8th, I add reading a small prayer devotional. Connect deeper into what I believe.

Yesterday, I added blogging to the mix. Today I added yoga.

Over all I am exercising mind, spirit and body.

As the day settles, accomplishment, productivity, inspiration and satisfaction wash over me. Simple joys penetrate every aspect of my life. Satisfaction in my soul, guides me to satisfy my role as a mother, as a wife and as a Christian.

Why waste time being lazy?

Stepping Out Of My Way

Writing has always been an outlet for me, it's been expression, communication, art, and sometimes a cry for help. I stop myself sometimes, because I am afraid that it's not good enough because it isn't the best. Therefore I shouldn't write. Well lets be frank and call that BS.

One does not need to be the best to simply do something. So I started to write again, sprouting into the idea of blogging I realized the last time I consistently blogged remains in the adolescent years of high school. Of course I stood in my own way: "I don't have a title. I can't start without a title. A title determines what you're writing about, a title determines the tone, the title is a lot!"

As of today I thought of a title, The Not So Typical Mom.

Disclaimers: this blog isn't a "How To" or "This is What You Should...believe, think, do, say, be, ect. ect." This is just me. And my life. And my head. And my family.

I am 20, married to my loving Nathan and mother of sweet little Isaac. Currently living in my in-laws place, on the way to finding our own in this big big City of Denver. This girl is from Vail, town with two major roads (I70 and HWY6), is now swallowed by city life in full swing (when is life not in full swing?) and I have something to write about.

My goal is to be authentic to myself. So my tone might change from post to post, my voice might change post to post. Or it might not. My posts will reflect my sporadic life, head, style and ambitions.